A Night on the Normandy
by Hubabubabard
Summary: Shepard heeds Mordin's advice as a doctor and makes use of his informational booklets and inter-species demonstration vids for his night with Tali, only they aren't as helpful as he was led to believe. Shepard and Tali take matters into their own hands instead. Humor/Smut


Shepard sat on his bed, the thick white cover ruffled under his rump. The room's lights were dimmed, everything from his bathroom to the bed was tidied up, and his hamster was sound asleep in its glass home on his shelf. His model ships were still on display, and only now did he think it best to have hidden them for Tali's arrival. Each ship had various sharp bits on it, from tiny gun barrels to the pointy antennas on the hulls. Worst case scenario is Tali crashes into them mid-coitus and dies from an infection. Shepard wasn't sure how he'd explain that one to the crew.

Of course he was overreacting. He had never had sex with a quarian before. In fact, he never talked to many quarians besides Tali. His mind processed every possible outcome to their encounter. _What if the Collectors board our ship again and catch us with our pants down? Bad way to go. Or if EDI interrupts us for_ _some stupid reason_ _? No. No. I remember, I told her specifically to not do that. Doubtless it's a little weird, EDI being the ship and all … it's like we'd be having sex inside of her … strange._ Shepard shook his head, letting each stray thought fall from his brain and rattle around in his skull.

He had paid the most attention to readying his bed as it would see the most action of all his room if things went to plan. He had probably spent a grand total of ten minutes fluffing the pillows in between panicked breaks in confidence as he waited on his bed for his date. The results of his constant beating of his pillows left them creased and misshapen, like two fat baby volus. At one time during his wait, he had positioned a lamp light over the bed, like a spotlight, after second thought he had changed it. _You're having sex with her not interrogating her, Shepard._ He had to remind himself.

He held an educational pamphlet, dwarfed in his large hands. 'Quarian Genitalia and You' it was called. Shepard gazed over every page, flipping after only a few seconds look. "Penises. Penises. Penises," he muttered in a mantra, the hope in his voice dying with every 'penis'. "Penises. Penises. Oh wow, more penises. Where's the female section in this damned thing?" he asked himself. As the pages began to thin, he flipped to the very end of the book. "Aha," he said, unamused. "Testicles."

 _Wait a minute … what if quarians all have penises … males and females …?_ He asked himself in thought. _I don't think this is going to work out between me and Tali_. He turned the book back to its cover, and reread the title aloud, "Quarian Genitalia and You". Looking under the title in the fine print, he noticed and said aloud, "Male Edition." He bit down on his tongue as his eyes fell to the back of his head and closed. "God damn it, Mordin." Shepard threw the book back into the box it was brought in. "I guess I still have the diagrams he gave me," Shepard said, sighing as he stood up from the end of his bed.

The doors to his room slid open, framed like a picture on the other side was his quarian date. Her six fingers tangled with each other and hovering above her stomach where she held them. "Shepard," she greeted him.

"Tali," he responded and smiled. Any doubt about their night together was gone once he saw her.

She moved forward, taking baby steps toward her new lover. "Nice room," she commented, breaking sight of his eyes and looking around his quarters. "What are those?" she asked, pointing a finger toward his fish tank.

About two dozen fish were belly up inside their glass prison. A blend of blues, reds, and yellows on the surface of the water. "Shit," Shepard said under his breath. "I forgot to feed them again. Damn it."

Tali giggled at Shepard's dismay.

He smiled and laughed in kind.

She searched his room again, looking for something else to comment on. Her eyes, glowing behind her purple visor, caught sight of something on his desk. Approaching it, and stretching out a hand, "Model ships?" she asked. "And a quarian one." Her fingers gripped the bulbous head of the vessel and pulled it from it's rack.

"Yup. Saving the Galaxy isn't my only hobby, you know?"

"Right. Collecting model ships and dead fish are the other two hobbies." she said, shaking her head at him in a playful jest.

"Well they were alive when I got them, but yeah. Guess they're food for Grunt now." He smirked, watching her pet the quarian ship. "You want it?" he asked her, nodding to the ship when she looked at him. "Tali'Zorah vas Tiny-Plastic-Model-Ship has a nice ring to it."

"Bosh'tet," she replied while suppressing a laugh. "I think I prefer being vas Normandy," she said, setting the ship back into its slot, approaching Shepard. "I need to know why we're doing this," she said, "I need to know if this is just because of the high probability that we don't return from the Omega 4 Relay, or if it's something more." She was nervous of his answer and hung her head while she waited on him, pointing her chin to her chest, and staring at the floor. "It's just that … well, you're my captain, and a human, and with the Alliance, and a Spectre, and-"

"Tali," he said, cutting her off. He locked his fingers into her own and raised them together.

Her eyes rose to meet his, a bridge forming between them. Physically they were tied together by their hands, but emotionally it was the same. They shared everything now, the same hopes and fears, the same missions and the struggle that came with it, and the same love between them.

"If I wanted to use and lose someone it would have been Ashley or Liara. Believe me, they jumped at every opportunity to slither into my bed two years ago. Or that one asari on the Citadel, what's her name?" he asked, eyes froze, pointed at the ceiling as he thought.

"The Consort?" she asked.

"Yeah … 'The Consort'." he said, dropping her hands to make use of a much needed set of air quotes.

Tali let out a few synthesized laughs.

"I didn't want to be with them, because I didn't want them. I want you, Tali. And it's not just out of fear. Even if our most pressing issue was determining what Joker wants for his birthday, I'd still be here … and I'd want you to be with me."

Her eyes narrowed, looking like two, bright half-moons behind a purple fog of clouds. "Thank you, Shepard." They stared for a while. Sometimes Shepard felt like he'd been on and off the ship for only a day only to find out that five had passed. Time went by too fast, yet even if being with Tali for only a couple hours meant they'd lose a day of time he could have spent training, he was alright with that. "By the way, I took the antibiotics Mordin gave me, and some herbal supplements to help my immune system for … well for us being together."

"If all it takes is a few pills for us to be together, then that's alright in my book," Shepard said, stepping toward his bed, _their bed_ for today.

"That's easy for you to say, you're not the one taking the pills," she chastised him as she followed him to the bed.

"Nope, but give me like sixty more years and I'll be taking pills too," he said with a deep laugh.

"What for? Do humans' immune systems weaken later in life?" she asked.

"No, well, have you heard of Viagra? You know what, nevermind. We'll deal with that if and when it happens." He turned his attention to the box of goodies Mordin had gifted him. "Right, speaking of Mordin." He approached the box, sifting through it. "He gave me some reading to make this safe for both of us."

"Some reading?"

"Reading, pictures, vids. Not sure how useful they'll be. Haven't had much luck with the last booklet, but I do know a surprising amount about the quarian penis now."

"What?" Tali asked after a stutter of laughs.

"Long story … well, not really long. Apparently the average quarian penis is only four inches in length, erect. Ha! Poor bastards."

They shared more laughs, of which Tali's died down quickly as she lost herself in the thought of Shepard's own _situation_ down there. Clearly he was confident in himself and in his own manhood. Her eyes wandered to the bulge in his trousers, imagining what it looked like past his layers of clothing.

"You know that saying, 'when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back'?" he asked her, returning her thoughts to his words and her eyes to his. "It was kinda like that, I stared into the penis, and the penis stared back. Spooky. I won't sleep right for weeks." And thus, more genuine laughter.

He had spent an hour preparing his room for her, the lighting, the décor, the smells, temperature, even the positioning of his desk items and furniture. He forgot that he would be with a friend, not a stranger, making love, not a porn vid. They both got to be themselves, Shepard wouldn't be giving Reaper-killing inspiring speeches, and Tali wouldn't be reciting techno-babble with fellow engineers. Their jobs and duty were still on their mind, but they were content to bury it deep inside the pink clumps of brain in their heads, if only for one day.

"I think what would do us the most good," Shepard proposed, "is to watch this vid he recommended us." Shepard inserted the chip into a slot in his wall, near his wardrobe, where a TV was built into the wall.

"If you think it will help," Tali said, somewhat reluctant and impatient.

They both took a seat on his cabin's corner couch, with two glasses of wine on the table in front of them. "I got some wine for us, by the way. Pretty expensive bottle," he noted.

"Did you get quarian safe wine? Some type of dextro wine?" She asked, reaching for the glass.

Shepard's palm was instantly filled with face. "Damn it, no I didn't. I'm sorry." Shepard shook his head as it was held in his hands. "Not used to dating quarians."

"Ha, ha. It's okay. I don't need any," she said, setting the glass back down on the table.

"It's starting," he noted as the TV flooded with light.

"Welcome to 'The Interspecies Sexual Intercourse Guide for Dummies'", spoke an asari voice from the TV. "Chapter One, Elcor and Volus relations," spoke the narrator as an image of an elcor and volus appeared on screen.

"Woah, woah, woah!" said Shepard reaching for the remote, "I think we can skip past this part. I can go my whole life without knowing anything about this." Tali chuckled, watching Shepard frantically smash the 'fast forward' button on the remote.

The screen went fuzzy as the video progressed at ten times speed, after a minute Shepard continued to play the vid, "Erotic Exclamation: Yes. Yes. Harder. Harder. Oh, ye-"

"Nope! Nope!" Shepard lunged for the remote on the table. Tali beat him to it, snatching it up with a three-fingered hand.

"Ah, ah, ah. You wanted to watch this. Besides, it's educational," she said, holding the remote out of hands reach and laughing at Shepard's despair.

"Oh come on! This can't be any less creepy for you than it is for me!" He yelled, begging for an end to the visual nightmare occurring on his TV screen.

The airy breathing of a volus started up, "You like this **hssk** don't you? **hssk** You're a dirty girl **hssk**."

Shepard's efforts to steal his remote back increased ten-fold. He lunged onto his quarian lover, who held the device close to her chest, laughing as he tried to pry it from her hands.

"This one is most pleased to be engaging in intimate carnal relations with such visually stimulating persons," came a hanar's voice from the TV.

"Woah, when did this turn into a threesome?" Shepard asked, laying over Tali as he tried his best to avoid looking at the TV but failed miserably due to curiosity. "What's next, a krogan?"

"Okay, actually, this _is_ pretty weird," Tali said, turning the vid off.

"Thank you!" Shepard exclaimed with a gratifying sigh. "Literal boner killer," he said with a shiver crawling through his shoulders, shaking him for a few seconds. "I'm definitely going to need all that wine to forget that." He looked down to Tali as he lay over her, his hands supporting himself against the cushions on either side of her head. "You know the punishment for disobeying your commanding officer, don't you?" he asked, cocking his head to the side as he looked at her. "Insubordination is a very serious crime on my ship," he said with a sly smirk.

"It's not punishment if I enjoy it, you bosh'tet," she remarked in a quiet humming voice.

Shepard's member visibly twitched behind his trousers, of which Tali took note as it pressed against her thigh, even through her armor she could feel it, long, thick, and moving seemingly with a life and will of its own. "That's Commander Bosh'tet to you, Miss vas Normandy," he said, wagging his head at her in the same way she often did to tease him.

She let her hands map his body, charting his chest and neck, his back and his stomach, wanting more than anything to be able to do it without a full-body enviro-suit on. "Can't we just start already. The urge is killing me faster than any suit-rupture could," she said, her voice peaking to a whine as her unbearable desire for him continued to grow.

"You sure? We still have a lot of material to read over to make this safe for both of us. Safe for you most importantly. Not to mention some oils we could use to make our bonding a lot easier on you. Mordin got something called, 'Pilgrimage Love Juices: Human Desires'. Some kind of quarian-safe lubricant. And because it's the human edition its guaranteed not to melt my foreskin off, or your money back … it only cost fifty credits … so I'm not sure how reassuring that is."

Tali shared a laugh with her new lover, and thought over the proposition. "I suppose we could use that. If what I'm feeling pressing into my thigh right now is … **ahem** … you know … and not a spare thermal clip, then I'll definitely need that oil." She felt a tingle of her own, the inside of her vagina begged for any kind of attention, from a slight vibration to a little friction, it needed to be appeased and Tali needed it as well. She guided her hand to her crotch, brushing past Shepard's cock, now stiff as the hull of the Normandy; it would break before it bent. Although her suit was thick, she did what she could to calm her nether region, patting the lips of her pussy only seemed to worsen her situation.

It wasn't only the sexual desire that drove them to one another. They weren't just sexual creatures with needs to be fulfilled like animals. They had a mind and a heart that also dictated their actions, and had the final say on whether their privates got to see any action. Thankfully for the both of them, their minds and hearts wanted this as well, lest they wander into the Collector Base with blue balls. A single sneeze would send Tali over the edge, and the slight brush of Shepard's pants fabric against his erection would leave him with an empty clip.

"You know what, you're right, this is all stupid. We don't need Mordin's help and his dumb booklets to understand how this works. How hard can it be to understand that the ship goes in the port … just so long as your port is where it normally is on human women," Shepard said, clearing his throat in the end. "Clearly our races reproduced on their own, the cave men didn't need charts and vids to understand how it worked."

"Finally," she yelled, voice shaking with glee.

She put her spare hand over her face, unlocked her visor from her helmet, and pulling it off, hovering over her face.

Shepard waited with wide eyes on the reveal of her face. It had been a bit of a gamble on his part, a blind date for him alone, as she always knew what he looked like. The most he saw of her were her slanted glowing eyes, and the brightened tip of her nose. For all he knew she could have looked like a wormy krogan, slime oozing out of huge pores in her skin, or insect-like feelers covering her body. Or perhaps she looked like turian-lite, being a dextro and all. The Hunchback of Rannoch could have been waiting behind that mask, but of course, no foul beast spoke in such a way that Tali did. Somehow he knew she was beautiful. If her voice was any indication of what she'd look like, then he had scored big-time. Not to mention her body. Her breasts, which couldn't be hidden in an enviro-suit, no matter it's build. Her waist was thin, hopefully the metal around her mid-section didn't act as a corset that when taken off crumbles her into an amorphous blob of goo. He didn't think that was the case. Then there were her hips, wide as they were, perfect as they were. As he thought on it, apparently these were female quarian specific traits, as many quarian women he'd seen looked similar, although in his eyes Tali was infinitely their superior.

The stage was set for Tali's reveal as she pulled away the purple glass curtain, and let Shepard see her for what she actually looked like. To no one's surprise she looked just as he had truly thought she did. She was alien, yes, exotic, of course, but attractive to him in every way. Her skin was a more muted tone, like a human's skin color put through a black and white filter. There was an entire road system of markings on her face, thin indents that traced all along her face and presumably her body, vertically symmetrical. Other areas on her face had a few notches, like her chin, above her brow, and on her cheekbones. Whatever shape her skull took, it was humanoid in a way but alien in many other ways.

"I know I'm a lot different than human women, so I hope I'm not unappealing to you," she said, the stress evident in her voice—and now that he could see her—her face too. Her eyes were glowing white, almost flickering out like a dying bulb as she stuttered and mumbled awkwardly. The tiny black pupil in her eyes bouncing around like a pinball with insecurity problems. "Er … I understand if I'm probably not what you were expecting, but I-"

"Tali," Shepard said, the tone of his voice soothed her awkward unrest. She smiled preemptively as she anticipated his response. "You're beautiful." He returned the smile she cast at him.

She jerked her head upward to him but hesitated and plopped it back onto the couch, her lips twitching as if she wanted to kiss him. The tip of her nose started to wiggle in small circles as she sniffed the air around her. "What is that smell?" she said, repulsed by the refuse-esque scent coming from the room. She pinched her nose with two armored fingers.

Shepard sat up, letting her do the same. "I got this cologne from a volus on the Citadel," he explained. "He said it was supposed to smell great to quarians."

"Well, maybe it's fifty years expired or something, because it definitely doesn't smell great," she said as she flapped her hand around the room to dissipate the stench. "Who sold it to you?"

"His name was Swindle Con. He seemed like he knew what he was talking about."

"Swindle Con?" she asked, unbelieving. "You bought something from someone named 'Swindle Con'?" she asked, her dark gray lips curving into a smile.

Shepard took a moment to ponder what she said. He looked up to the ceiling, losing himself in thought as he stared into the panel of blue dancing light above his bed. "Swindle Con?" he whispered to himself, feeling the name as he said it. "Swindle Con?" he said again, this time louder and angrier. "That fat little bastard swindled me."

"I think it's more appropriate to say he _conned_ you," she said with a giggle. He had just noticed the change in her voice, it sounded clearer, not to mention more confident. Living her whole life behind a mask did no favors for her self-esteem. Oftentimes a quarian's name was attributed more to their suit and the colors on it than the person that lie within. If they ever got Rannoch back, and could live without their suits, it would be as if an entirely new race had joined the galaxy. Shepard couldn't imagine other quarians were much different, they were all in the same ship, as it were. They all wore suits, they were all considered little more than petty thieves and vagabonds. Even the boldest of their admirals were probably blithering messes without their suits, as their suits became their identity and their skin, without it they were naked. Getting the planet back would alter their culture in hundreds of unpredictable ways. "It smells like something Grunt wouldn't even bother eating," she added with another giggle.

"Luckily for you, I just sprayed the shirt with it, not my skin," he said, twisting his neck to straighten the collar of his shirt as he talked.

"I didn't think I'd need any other reason to take that shirt off of you," she said, making a suggestive grin.

She moved over to him, straddling him on the couch, and tugging on his shirt. Grasping the thick cloth of his Cerberus crewman shirt, she pulled it over his head and tossed it away. Her eyes lingered for a moment on an ugly spot on his shirt. A yellow and white blob that turned her stomach worse than the vile smell of the rank cologne. Cerberus. She ignored the insignia as best she could, but living on a ship infested with Cerberus agents and tech no doubt crawling with Cerberus bugs didn't help her sleep at night, but Shepard would.

She returned her gaze to Shepard's bare chest, squeezing his body in her gloved hand, even if she was blind she could tell he was muscular, and she thanked her ancestors she wasn't blind as she ate up Shepard's muscular figure with her eyes. His skin was thick but smooth, any bodily defect he might have had was removed during his reconstruction by Cerberus. He looked like he hadn't seen a single battle. No sign of bruising, scarring, and his muscles were perfectly symmetrical. Tali couldn't even be sure this was his real skin, for all she knew the skin she was touching was actually graphed from Miranda's ass during his reconstruction, she definitely had enough to go around.

They had already wasted enough of their evening toying with one another. She wouldn't waste anymore of it.

Of all the pieces of Tali's suit, the first she removed, save her mask, was her gauntlets. Twisting latches and pushing buttons until both the pieces came apart. She pulled them off and flung them away carelessly. For the brief moment her hands were off of him, in an instant they were back, now without thick armor to keep them apart. She threw her hands around his neck like a scarf and pulled herself close to him. Lips smashing into his and locking in a wet embrace.

Shepard was surprised by how forthcoming she was. He would have thought her more shy and doubtful, but she was ever confident and completely certain that this was what she wanted. And she wanted it now.

She had commented on his smell, but there was something to be said of her smell. He had imagined being inside that suit would leave her either smelling like the backside of a pyjak, or with no smell at all. Yet she definitely had a smell, and he wasn't sure how to describe it in a way that would make her happy. She smelled like a hospital. Thankfully not like a morgue or Mordin's dingy old clinic, but rather like a waiting room, or a patient's room. Her suit didn't allow for any bacteria or contaminants to invade it, so naturally she smelled like a hospital. Clean. Almost like a mixed bottle of cleaning supplies. He wondered if that would make her pleased to know what he thought of her smell. He wouldn't risk saying a thing either way.

The Commander wasn't sure what to do with his hands, at first he tried holding the side of her head as she kissed him, their tongues rolling around in the mouths of one another. Feeling the fabric of her hood wasn't his idea of exhilarating. He moved his hands to her breasts, also hidden by armor and cold to the touch. Not stimulating. He ended on her hips, with bulky pockets, boxes, and metal straps to greet him. Not his idea of a good time. If he knew anything about detaching pieces of her armor he would have started. It was as high tech and confusing to him as the first time he learned to take off a woman's bra back in high school on Earth, although her suit was a bit more complicated than that. While he was deciding where to put his hands, he lost sight of hers. No longer were they massaging his shoulders and caressing his face.

Tali moved her six fingers down Shepard's torso and to the waistband of his pants, slipping a hand inside and fiddling around with his member. Her lips took a break from their assault on Shepard as she smiled a deviant grin. She padded him down from head to waist now, giving him a thorough inspection, feeling every inch of his skin against hers. She inspected him better than ten C-Sec officers could inspect a krogan for weapons. She had found Shepard's weapon, and as far as she was concerned, it was contraband, and belonged to her now. She shrunk down to the floor, on her oddly shaped quarian knees, with her hands stuffed inside his pants.

With a few tugs his trousers were at his ankles, along with his boxers, revealing his shaft, wobbling around freely. Tali was pleased that he wasn't a measly four inches, as the average quarian male was said to be, nor was he the average six inches of his own species. Shepard measured in at nine inches. To Tali, it was an appendage in its own right. She ran the tip of her tongue along the roof of her mouth for a moment, taking time to simply examine his piece with her eyes. She lasted as long as she could, but gave in quickly. She moved her head forward, taking her gray tongue and giving his meat a slow wet lick, saliva connecting the tip of his penis with the tip of her tongue.

She backed away for a moment, laughing quietly, looking from his erection to his eyes, and back and forth.

"What?" he asked, almost insulted.

"It tastes a lot better than nutrient paste," she said, stroking his member with her three-fingered hand, looking up at him with a juicy smile, drool dripping from her lips.

"I'll have to take your word for it," he said, his core twitching while she gently stroked him. "Just remember it's attached to me. Don't go thinking it's a bratwurst and bite it off, please." She giggled and returned her tongue to his meat again, tasting it, flicking her tongue up and down as someone would an ice cream cone. "I'm a nutrient paste dispenser, you know," he said through a smile, froze onto his face. "Anytime you're hungry you come to me."

She stopped to smile up at him, stroking his cock once again. She leaned forward, taking as much of him into her mouth as she could. She barely made it a third of the way before she had to stop. Shaking her head with him inside her, twirling her tongue around the head of his dick for half a minute, trying to fit more of him into her mouth until she had to surface for air and to let the collection of saliva out. She gave another smile, spit covering her lips. She returned for round two, her darkened lips making a ring around his pulsating prick.

Shepard was content to let this last a lifetime, but she had determined it was time to move on. Kissing the end of his erection and raising herself to her feet by support of his thighs, she began to continue undressing. Her armor fell off her like bark from a tree during a tornado. Throwing pieces left and right, ripping them off if she had to. After a few minutes she stood completely naked to Shepard, much to his enjoyment. There wasn't a renewed and second sense of awkwardness or fear. She knew now that Shepard wanted her just as much as she wanted him.

Shepard had kicked off his boots and tossed away the rest of his garments. He stood up to join her, and scooped her up in his arms so fast she couldn't be sure he wasn't in FTL. If he was, then she was his drive core. She was what compelled him and drove him.

She wrapped her legs around him as he carried her to the bed, lowering her a distance then tossing her on the covers. On her back, with her legs spread, she held a smile and remained patient for him. Her long hair fanned out around her head, every black strand had a white shine to it.

He pulled her closer to the edge of the bed, enough for his manhood to reach her womanhood. Positioning himself at her opening, his hand guiding his member, sliding it on the slit of her vagina, giving some attention to her clitoris, which was such a dark gray it could be called black, as was the inside of her vagina. Very alien indeed. He hoped when he inserted himself into the dark passage nothing jumped out from inside her to bite his piece off. As much as he was sure he'd enjoy himself, it was still strange for her insides to be as black as the void of space.

Tali was growing impatient. She just wanted him inside her, not this skipping rocks across the water stuff. Still, it was pleasing. The quarian took a large index finger to play with her mouth impatiently. Her breasts, however perky, were pressed against her chest as she lay on the bed, massaging one of her dark nipples with two fingers.

Her lover looked up to her, watching her play with her lips. She took the time to force the finger inside her mouth, closing her lips tight and sucking on it. Giving him a clue as to what she wanted.

He made use of the aforementioned quarian/human lubricant. Snatching it from the bedside, popping it open and drizzling it on their genitals. As it rained down, and settled, dripping from both their bodies, Shepard realized it had a glitter to it. Cocking his head both left and right, he watched the oil shine in the light, reflecting what looked like tiny pieces of confetti. He simply shrugged, and rubbed it into their skin. Finally ready, he obliged his lady-love, digging into her deep.

"Hmph," she moaned, biting down on her finger for a moment before pulling it out of her mouth.

Shepard continued his rhythmic thrusting. Slow and gentle for Tali's first time. Their skin meeting with a wet slap. His hands on her thighs, pulling her to him and pushing himself to her.

"Oh, Keelah," she said among a symphony of sighs, through the melody of her moaning. Stretching her hands out to her sides, gripping handles into the sheets. "Faster," she pleaded in a whisper.

Her lover did as he was bid. Picking up his pace, their skin colliding with more wet plops. He gave a gruff grunt, like a krogan humming. "You're great, Tali," was all he could muster as a compliment. The man who talked an indoctrinated Saren into killing himself was reduced to a half-tongued monkey with Tali.

A quick smile appeared on her face, and left just as quickly. Her expression was a mix of pleasure and pain. Shepard's length brought her pangs of discomfort. Her eyes pinched with pain one moment and dazed with delight another. Licking her lips once and biting them later. Slowly the hurt began to ease, until most of what she felt was Shepard's physical love for her. What little pain there was had forced itself out of her with a single, "Ow."

"Am I hurting you?" Shepard asked, stopping their intercourse immediately.

"No, you bosh'tet! Keep going," she commanded of him, still wriggling around on his bed.

As long as she said she was fine, he would continue, and he did. "Yes, ma'am."

"Keelah! Yes, Shepard," she mumbled, intoxicated with her new favorite pass-time. This beat stress balls a thousand times over.

"Tali," Shepard muttered under his breath, each breath getting deeper with every thrust, as he himself went deeper.

"Yes!" She yelled, perhaps loud enough to be heard in engineering.

The Commander had taken a reprieve, pulling out to recollect himself.

"I'm sorry, are the Reapers attacking us yet?" she asked with satirical inflection. "No? Then don't stop."

Shepard's face slowly came to a smile, though this one wasn't born of lust. "You'd make a great admiral."

She gave a modest smile in response, a thin layer of liquid coating her eyes that glinted in the cabin's light. She wasn't ready for such a sudden change in mood, but she welcomed it all the same. "Thank you," she said, her smile growing wider.

Her captain gave a slight bow of his head in response. He returned to acting out his affection for her. Lifting her leg to his face, he struck her calf with his lips. Slipping his hands around her waist, with little force he tossed her further onto the bed, crawling aboard to join her.

Her hands drifted toward his chest, where she felt they belonged the most. Painting her hands all over him, she ended on his face, pulling him to her and sharing three more quick kisses.

He twirled a hand through her hair as they stared and pecked kisses on one another. Pulling himself away, he took his mouth to her breasts. Leaving a trail of kisses from her neck to her chest, he tested their sensitivity. Shepard started subtle with a few simple kisses on the areola of a breast.

Her hands hovered to his head, one trio of fingers roaming his scalp while the others patrolled his back.

As his kisses morphed into licking, which in turn morphed to sucking. Widening his mouth and sucking on her breasts, she confirmed he was doing something right with a series of shaky moans.

"Oh. Yeah," she whispered and whimpered, her voice disappearing behind the sounds of his suckling on her tits.

Shepard bobbed his head from breast-to-breast, giving each their fair share of attention. He only had one mouth, but two hands. For the lonely nipple that waited its turn he instead massaged it with his hand as his mouth massaged the other. With his only other spare hand, he grabbed his shaft and lined it up with her opening. After breaching her privates once again, he groaned with pleasure, lips still locked on one of her boobs.

"Shepard," she said, voice vibrating and turning into a loving laugh.

He touched and pleased as much of her as he could in one sitting. His final stage of work on her breasts were to nibble at her nipples. Putting very little pressure into it, he gnawed on her darkened nipple.

"Keelah, that feels nice," was her reply.

She moved her hands to his own waist, holding on tight as he swayed and slammed himself into her, rocking her on the bed, her breasts bouncing with every impact.

Shepard pulled himself away, but not before stealing a kiss from his sweet innocent quarian. On his knees, with their pelvises his penis' lengths away, he pulled her and pushed himself, returning to a steady rhythm. His fingers rubbing her crotch, small tufts of black hair in the way of her skin. He could feel the passage of his member inside her through her crotch, his size pushing her pussy's walls tight. His thumb rolled around her clitoris in small circles.

The vast plethora of ways he could and was pleasing her left her melted on his bed like an ice cube on Haestrom, writhing with sexual bliss. With her man so far away from her, she couldn't glom onto him with her hands like she loved doing. Instead her hands went to her own body, between rubbing her breasts to joining him in rubbing her clitoris raw. She lifted her legs up, propping them against his shoulders, begging he make use of them.

Commander Shepard did as he had done before, turning his head and leaving tongued kisses on her calf.

Their breaths had both grown ragged and sporadic. Both knew that they were nearing the end.

Shepard was forced to increase the pace, feeling the flood of sperm surge through his erection.

Tali flung her arms to her sides, laying there not strong enough to lift the air. Her coos had turned to frenzied cries of erotic joy. "Keelah, yes! Yes. Yes. Yes."

Shepard shut his eyes tight, listening to Tali's little yelps of satisfaction. With one final thrust, he let his seed spill inside her. In most other women, it would have had a chance of taking root and producing a child, but with Tali it was merely a placebo. A warm loving placebo to finalize their union. With a few more spurts, Shepard was finished, just as Tali was. Leaning forward for one prolonged kiss, as their final action. He threw himself upward to take his place by her on the bed, flipping half of the covers on them with their bodily juices still speckled on the sheets.

"Keelah … that was great, Shepard," she said between broken breaths. "Better than I'd ever imagined." She scooted herself close to him, intertwining her legs with his, the bow in her knees making their legs look like a mangled fork. She rested her head on his chest and gave a deep sigh.

"It was great. You were great," he said, a hand on her head as he played with her long strands of black hair.

"Really?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Really."

Smiling, she nuzzled herself into him, making him her pillow. "It'd be nice if the Reapers left their alarm clock off and didn't wake up for another 50,000 years," she commented, closing her eyes for some much needed sleep.

Shepard stared at the ceiling of his cabin. The fun was over, and they'd have to return to reality, as much as they'd prefer to stay inside his quarters for the rest of their lives. Shepard constructed a smile, mostly forced and composed of the unnatural and false persona he wore around the ship. The savior of the galaxy and his fearless crew. Part of him wanted to bury his head in the sand, and ignore the reapers for what little time they might have left, but he had a duty, whether he wanted it or not, it was his mission now. "That would be nice," he said in a whisper. "Goodnight, Tali." Placing a kiss on the top of her head.

"Goodnight, Shepard."

* * *

 **Hope you enjoyed this. I intended for this to be purely humorous but I quickly ran out of comedy and filled the rest with smut. Topkek! Any advice from reader to writer or writer to writer is welcome. Good day.**


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